Unpacking The Suitcase

Packing and unpacking can be such a metaphor for life.  We pack up our things to move or go on a trip that we have waited so long to go on.  We pack up for the day or our kids to get into the car to move to the next activity.   We pack up our emotions and keep them to ourselves for fear that people will judge us or think we are crazy.  Unpacking happens much the same way.  Most of us unpack our clothes and a few of us attempt the shaky territory of unpacking our emotions or thoughts.  This can be a very scary process, especially if it isn’t material things we are unpacking.  Judgement is one of the most worrisome effects that I have if I unpack something.  What will people think?  Or what will happen if I never unpack?  Which is worse?  I think that is one of the hardest and best parts about humans.  The feedback is critical for us to grow.  It is how it is delivered and how we respond that is hard.  Judgement is one of the areas that I struggle with the most as a leader. No matter what, there are always feathers ruffled or people that do not want to get on the bus that you are trying to navigate.  What is my response to that?  I have learned to take the time to unpack it, reflect on it, and most of all let it happen instead of fighting it.  I have also realized it is needed to help me grow and make more of an impact, however the delivery could always use a little nudging.   The way I react and respond needs some unpacking so that it is received as constructive and necessary rather than judgement.  In the midst of all that judgy stuff, there are so many moments where feedback can build us back up, make us better and motivate us.  

I decided to actually unpack some of the items that were important to me for one of my university projects. It was called “My Cultural Knapsack.” The assignment was designed for us to take a look into our past, our culture, and what makes us who we are. We had to find actual artifacts that represented us and perhaps influenced our leadership styles. The suitcase experience surprised me.  I will be honest, I didn’t want to do this.  Mostly because I knew what I may unpack.  It may force me to reflect on my tears and anger from the past, back to that devastating moment that I lost my mom.  I did go there.  But I did not just pack it deeper, instead, I actually unpacked and felt a little lighter.  I went back and forth from packing to unpacking.   What I found was not just sadness but a whole lot of other emotions and most of all, gratitude.  Gratitude for all of those moments and experiences that created happiness, the moments of silence, relationships that I have found along the way-good and bad, and those gut wrenching waves of sadness that tend to invade at the most unexpected times. 

My suitcase began to take the shape of who I am through my mom’s quotes that she always used to guide us on our journey through childhood to adults, and now to being a parent.  When I was I a kid, I remember rolling my eyes thinking these quotes were so dumb.  As soon as I moved out and starting “adulting” and especially when I became a new mom, I lived by them and I needed them.  In fact, these quotes are what enchants my thoughts as I look for my mom’s wisdom. The right quote always popped in my head at the exact right moment.  Now that she is gone, I cling to them and use them to guide me, all the while thinking, what would my mom say or do?  They are the bedrock of my foundation now.  I am forever grateful for them and for her.

The following items were what I packed in my suitcase along with the quotes from my mom that came to mind while I chose my artifacts:

• “One Day at a time Sweet Jesus.” – My Daytimer – This represents my past, present, and future and my lifeline to keep me on track and balanced.  It helps me to recognize when I have to say no and let go of “I Should.”  I have noticed that I have a shouldy attitude!  This is the attitude where my brain tells me I should do it all even though that may not be the best idea. It is that guilt that we all feel sometimes that we should do more. My daytimer tends to be the keeper of my soul – keeping track of sports, school, meals, workouts, to do lists. Even though I have this all in my phone, it is also a symbol of my love for pen and paper.  I find it very therapeutic to write and feel the pen on paper.  I love to see my accomplishments or schedules all laid out.  It is also filled with my mom’s quotes to get me through the day or a moment – “One Day at a time Sweet Jesus.”

• “Live, Love, Laugh.” – Mamere’s Letters – Speaking of pen and paper, the art of letter writing or journaling plays a big part in who I am.  Every couple of weeks, my kids and I write a letter to my 101 year old Mamere who now lives in Medicine Hat.  She always writes back.  The letter represents my love for my grandma, my French heritage, and my longing for the past when phones didn’t replace people.  I even miss the party lines!  She inspires me every day with her love for life and appreciation for her health.  We visit her often and she brings the simple things back into my life such as playing cards, dancing, walking, shuffleboard, smelling flowers, and cooking.  She often reminds me to enjoy every step of every day.  She brings gratitude to the forefront of my mind, which has helped me to get through a lot of hard times in my life.  She also talks about the importance of Faith. Her words are always that God will lead us just trust in Him.

• “Live Your Best Life.” – Mamere’s Rosary – My Mamere gave me this rosary.  It represents my childhood, not my teens, but my adult life and now my mom and professional life.  I forgot about this part of me when I was a teen but I have come back to it.   If you look closely, you can see some beads missing.  This was her rosary when she was a child and they didn’t have a lot.  She said she prayed so hard that she wore down the beads.  Faith has become a big part of who I am and how I treat people.  It has influenced me as a leader within my school division.  It has helped guide me, challenge me, and save me when I needed it the most.

• “You Are Entirely Up to You.” – Bannock and Swedish Meatballs –  My dad is Metis and it is a big part of who I am.  We grew up in a small town in MB where everyone knew your name and everybody raised each other.  I am very proud of my heritage and how the pieces of it has intertwined with my Swedish background.  We always do the jigs at weddings, we play hockey at the poplar dome, we make boulettes and bannock at Christmas, and we sing our favorite cultural songs while our great uncles play the fiddle around the campfire.  My Swedish side is represented by the meatballs.  Our family always made sure to honor this tradition on Christmas eve.  We would have a meal at midnight on Christmas eve no matter how young we were.  This is still a tradition in our family but…..the kids still don’t sleep in!  These cultures have shaped my spirit as a leader.

• “Attitude determines Altitude.  Play for the name on the front of your jersey, not the one on your back.”- Hockey stick – This is a big part of our family and my childhood.  I grew up playing as one of the only girls in the league with the boys so I really treasure how this experience has formed who I am today.  It has taught me to persevere.  Being the only girl in the league, I constantly had to prove that I could handle playing with the boys and fight to be able to play hockey.  Later in life, when I got into more elite levels, I had to learn how to accept criticism and feedback when dealing with coaches who were hard on you.  How was I going to handle this?  Was I going to quit or go in and ask the coach what I could do to make myself better? It gave me a competitive edge (almost too much sometimes!) and so I deal with the balance of that.  It has also taught me leadership.  I was the team captain and this was my first experience as a leader and all that goes with it.  Now, my children play and it is a whole new world for me.  It has brought the kid back in me.  We play hockey all the time as a family and we laugh.   I now get to coach.  It’s a lot harder than I thought!  It is all about experience, mentorship, and coaching alongside the people.

• “Shoot for the moon even if you miss, you will land in the stars.” – My School Logo– My passion has always been inspiring people and kids to learn.  I want to make a difference somehow in their life.  I am still working on this but it is a very big part of who I am.  I am in awe of the staff and students at my school.  The things I learn every day just by walking through those doors.  The conversations with teachers and the kids, well, they are just incredible.  Teaching has taught me to reflect, listen and see, more than anything else.  I walk through the halls and listen to what is happening in the classrooms and I am constantly impacted and inspired to learn more.  Leadership within my school has challenged me and will continue to do this as each moment and day fills itself and I have to “just keep swimming.”  It has taught me to reflect on my reactions and to not always have to try to solve every little problem but rather listen and ask questions. In crisis, I have found my most challenging moments but the most valuable lessons. I have realized that after something hard there is always something accomplished. The hard stuff is where things start to happen and it has challenged me to consistently persevere and to never give up.  Another quote that comes to mind that my mom always said, “You Can’t Control how people act, only how you react.” I love this life and there are so many avenues I have yet to explore in my life.

• “I Love You Like the Mountains.” – My Kids Drawings – This one’s for the girls!  They are my everything and have been my proudest legacy.  They challenge me every day and they inspire me to be a better example of a human, for them.  I want to be just like them someday.  They forgive easily, they laugh, they play, they learn, and they “love me like the mountains!”  I am so proud to be their mom and they are my best friends.  They are the reason for every decision I make and impact me in the most profound ways.  This quote also reminds me of the love I need to have for every student no matter what.

• “Family is my home.” – Grandpa‘s picture – My grandpa was my best friend.  He gave me my stubbornness and the ability to say what’s on my mind in a respectful way.  I guess you could say I get a little feisty sometimes.  He taught me to get back up when I fall and to move on from that moment instead of dwelling on it.  We have all done hard things and that is what we were meant to do. This has helped me during those difficult moments as a leader.  I am still working on this!

• “Dance Like No One is Watching.” – Dance and the Gym Membership – A healthy lifestyle is very important to me.  I have changed over the years from working out to be skinny, to working out to be healthy.  It has helped me so much to let go of a bad day.  It gives me energy and helps me to be a good role model for my kids.  This is my “me time” and I crave it. It has also helped me to realize the importance of setting up my day with a morning routine. This has been pivotal for setting my intentions and purpose each day. I bring this passion into my leadership to extend it beyond the curriculum to promote wellness.

• “You Cannot Worry about the Things You Cannot Change.  It Is What It Is.” – Mom’s book – My mom has been my biggest mentor and hero.  She was my world and the cornerstone of our whole family.  We lost her a short time ago unexpectedly and my life came crashing down.  Since then and because of her I have learned to pick myself back up and I have learned to welcome my emotions but then to move through them rather than get stuck.  My leadership and mothering is rooted in her guidance, her wisdom, her tough love.  I am lost without her but I am also stronger because of her.  Everything that I am is because of her.  As my daughter always tells me, “don’t worry Mama, Grammy is always in your heart.” I really believe this now.