A colleague isn’t quite contributing like you want them to or perhaps you feel like they are interrupting you or undermining you. Every time you offer an idea, the resounding ‘yeah but’ or ‘no, that won’t work’ echoes a response. Someone throws you some serious shade every time you walk into work or your home. A friend keeps suggesting restaurants for meat lovers and you are a vegetarian. A family member constantly undermines your authority and goes against the rules you set for your family.
Whatever it is, your anxiety, stress, anger, etc. grows every time one of these types of conversations come up and these emotions are now spilling over into other areas of your life. These conversations can mean the difference between feeling like a doormat and being a partner in the conversation who is respected. So how do we approach these hard conversations effectively and assertively. The key is to establish boundaries but also to maintain them. If you have been reading my blogs, you know that I am all about frameworks to help create traction, solve problems, and build momentum. Well….setting boundaries and having those hard conversations scream frameworks to me! This is because when we are in the heat of the moment, things perhaps come out of our mouths in a way that we hadn’t intended. A framework can be a guideline that can help get your point across assertively, efficiently, and effectively.
Maintaining boundaries requires us to be assertive. In order to be assertive, we have to be willing to stand up for how we feel about our rights, needs, and wants without infringing on the rights of others. Assertive people look for win- win outcomes from the conversations and approach negotiations and discussions in a calm, positive way. They know that being too passive and too wordy leads to unresolved resolutions and less confident decision making. However, they also know that being too aggressive or accusatory can lead to blow ups, failing to show appreciation of the other person’s efforts, viewpoints, or rights. Being assertive is all about finding the middle ground between these two ends of the spectrum.
Speaking of getting to the point, let’s be assertive and do just that. The first step is to plan for the conversation that you need to have. I will show you how to do that using the DESC method in a moment. The next step is to go straight to the person whom you need to have the conversation with. Be willing to stand up for your rights and how you feel. I know it is tempting to just shove your emotions under the rug and hope that it all goes away (I am the queen of wishful thinking with this idea). However, doing this can harbour resentment that leads to exhaustion and makes it difficult for you to excel at your personal or family life. It can eat away at you. Most of the time, this infraction of your boundaries is not intentional and with the right approach can be a valuable learning opportunity to help you to stand up for yourself by having an open conversation, helping you to become more succinct and assertive, and find a positive outcome for everyone involved.
I learned this DESC method from a conversation I had with a professional leader who helped me so much once I learned this framework. Clarity has helped me with everything I do. In order to have clarity, we have to know our pathway and our next step in a very specific way. This DESC method provided that next step for me.
The DESC method helps to create a framework to guide conversations for success. It gives you the confidence and the very specific words to move towards open conversations that result in positive outcomes.
D – Describe the situation and give factual, specific details. Keep it to facts and leave opinions out of it.
E – Express how you feel and your observations about the behaviors. Try not to use ‘you’ statements. This can make the other person feel like you are judging them and can put them on the defensive right away, which sends the whole conversation off the rails. Keep it to ‘I’ statements to describe how you feel.
S – Specify what the ideal outcome would be. In other words, what do you want to happen from this conversation or from that person. Don’t forget to consider their thoughts and motives.
C – Consequence or compromise. I have a little difficulty with this one because I instantly go to, “If you don’t give me what I want, then I will…..” which to me can sound threatening. However, this is not what this part of the framework is intended for. It is meant to be more like, “if we figure out how these behaviors can end, then this will happen….and I will feel ….. “You can also explain what the consequences will be if the behaviour persists but try to end with a compromise.
Now that you know what DESC stands for, it is imperative to plan for the conversation rather than just winging it. This is where another framework comes into play! I like to call it the Swipe Framework. In the Swipe Framework, you actually sit down and write a script following the DESC structure. Keep in mind this script will save you time in the end because it allows you to practice but also it is something you can use again if you come across another hard conversation. You would use the framework but, of course, change the scenario. Before putting pen to paper, consider the other person’s motives for their behaviour. Put yourself in their shoes. Was there a lack of coordination prior to the presentation or behaviour? Could they have been concerned that you weren’t going to relay the necessary information or give them an opportunity for input? Once you’ve gotten a sense for why they might be portraying these behaviours, write your script. After you have written it, practice it with a friend or family member.
Mentor text, immersion into the learning experience, mentors, frameworks, and learning through modelling can be very effective in order to find clarity of the outcome that you desire. It is just like when we learned how to ride a bike. We started with talking about the steps (framework), then we watched our parents or other kids do it (mentors and modelling). Next, we tried it a little bit at a time with our parents right beside us to coach us (coaching, nudging, and support with reference and reflection to framework/how to steps). Finally, we learn to do it on our own and it gets easier and easier every time. Just like anything, it is so important to have intention when you are nervous about something. The best way to find your intention, grab hold of it and do it is to plan and practice for it. So, I have a script to help with using the DESC framework.
In this example, I am going to use a made up problem of a co-worker interrupting you all of the time.
Approach your coworker and say, “I wanted to talk to you about this morning’s presentation. Is now a good time?” Assuming you have the green light you may proceed:
D – Description – This morning in the presentation, I noticed…you interrupted me a few times.
E – Expression of your feelings – I am feeling… frustrated as it is not the first time that this has happened. I think…these consistent interruptions undermine me in front of the staff and make us look disorganized.
S – Specify – In the future, can we agree…that you will wait until I have finished talking to add your comments or ideas. I will be sure to….ask if you have anything to add before moving on.
C – Consequences – I think that if we do this….it will enable….us to work better as a team. I really appreciate/enjoy…working with you and I don’t want this to get in the way of the success of our leadership.
Approach the conversation with the undertone of curiosity and facts vs. accusatory. It is very important to keep it assertive in tone and factual rather than opinion. In all instances, the best way to solve a problem is to go straight to it and fix it. However, it is uncomfortable but will help us grow in the long run. It may even help the person whom you are having that hard conversation with. Here is to you being assertive and setting boundaries!
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Anderson, M. (2018, January 23). DESC: Your Script for Becoming More Assertive. In Washington Society of Certified Public Accountants. Retrieved from https://www.wscpa.org/community/future-cpas/become-a-cpa-blog/wscpa-blog/2018/01/23/desc-your-script-for-becoming-more-assertive#.X4xoLUJKjeo
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