Here’s the thing about leadership….it is never going to go how you think it will go.
I know… you know this already. But yet, you keep trying to make each day go the way you want. Sooooo much energy expended right? I know, because I tried to do this every single day and each day I left the office feeling like I failed. I went over all of the things that went wrong that day. The thing is, I forgot to go over the things that went right. I forgot to congratulate myself on showing up the best I could that day. Instead, I beat myself up, cried, and set myself up for failure the next day by setting my expectations up to do everything right. Except the next day ended up whirling back into the same ending.
Let’s face it, leadership is hard. There is a lot on you. You will screw up. Fires will flare up into forest fires and you may not be able to put them all out. You will have really hard conversations and not everyone will like you all of the time. But here is the thing, beating ourselves up isn’t working either. In fact, we are making it harder on ourselves because we now have to use up the energy we have left to convince ourselves each day that we are worthy enough. If you keep doing this to yourself, your attitude sinks and so does the rest of you. So much so, that you don’t have enough energy to pick yourself back up. And so…you just stay there or perhaps leave the profession altogether.
Why do we want to do that to ourselves? What happens if we flip the script and tell ourselves that we did the best we could today and that we are leading for one reason. The reason being, we commit to showing up every day and doing the best we can and then going home. We are leaders because we take action, we break things down to solve problems, we can do hard things, and we care about relationships and making progress. Good job leader! Really, I mean that. What if we highfived ourselves every day instead of beat ourselves down?
When you encounter something really hard, you have to stop beating yourself up over it. Once I stopped doing this, everything changed. The best part was I became proud of myself for showing up that day. I placed less expectations on myself to have the perfect day and more focus on the actions I took to build momentum or make progress. Mel Robbins states that you have to tell yourself to keep going, that this is going to prepare you for what is to come, and that something amazing is just around the corner. She goes on to challenge ourselves to believe that this setback is temporary and it is part of the journey. She talks about that moment when you wake up and you walk into the bathroom to look at yourself in the mirror. Instantly you pick on all of your flaws. We do that when we reflect on our leadership day too. She says instead of picking on your flaws, give yourself a high five and it instantly boosts your energy and mood.
If you’re going to be successful in leadership, it is essential that you learn how to have your own back. This is super hard but I want to challenge you to have your own back and to build yourself up because we simply cannot expect anyone else to do this for us. So let’s talk about exactly how you might go about highfiving yourself and putting yourself first. In fact, let’s have a good ol pep talk! A lot of this work lies in Mel Robbins book, called The High Five Habit. I combined some of her ideas with mine so that I could finally stop wasting away my self esteem and worth and start to build it up:
Step one: You learn how to put yourself first. You learn how to empower and support yourself no matter what’s going on. When you encounter something hard that didn ‘t go your way, you have two choices. You can give yourself a high five for going through it and then figure out a plan to learn from it. Or you beat yourself up, resist the lesson that came from it, and feel even more defeated or overwhelmed. Resistance looks like calling yourself out for not trying harder or saying that nothing will work. It feels like pity and sadness. In fact, you resist giving yourself the support, celebration, and the love that you deserve, because you believe either that you are unworthy of it or you believe that only when you achieve something that is worthy of celebration or support, then you will be supporting yourself. And so, you’re withholding the very thing that you need to be able to change, think different, take actions that scare you, stay motivated. You are missing having your own back. You choose to join the mean guy or girl club instead. We laser in on what isn’t going right and we rob ourselves of the momentum, the confidence, and the gratitude that you feel when you see the work you did, the lesson you learned, the conversations you worked through. You rob yourself of that feeling when you celebrate yourself for showing up and having the courage to lead and do hard things. Praise yourself for the effort. It will change your life.
Step 2: Set an intention each day and give yourself the dang pep talk. Heck, talk to yourself in the mirror or the shower before you hit the ground running. What is the game that you’re going to play today? Then think, what you will do for you today. Just take a moment before your day starts to fill itself. Think about how you will show up today for you. High five yourself and start your day by sending yourself in with encouragement knowing you that you have your own back. No matter what happens you will still be standing and you will be proud of that day and of yourself. No matter what happens today, you are going to put yourself first, you are going to support yourself through this, and you are going to get through it. And the next day, you are going to get up and do it again. You must think of yourself as one of the most important people in your life. It is only you who has got your back fully because no one else can control how you feel about yourself. Holy cow, we all need to do a better job of improving the relationship we have with ourselves. It can only begin with you my friend. It begins every single morning in this moment that you have in the mirror to see yourself, to recognize what you have going on, whether it’s challenging or exhilarating or frustrating or fantastic, set an intention. It is you giving yourself a pep talk and being proud of who you are. If you start to do these things, you will instantly boost your mood. Science proves it! Think about it, when we play sports, we high five, we celebrate, and we cheer ourselves and our teammates on. We instantly have an adrenaline boost. So do that for yourself. Give yourself that pep talk every damn day. It gives you this jolt through your nervous system, reminding it of the feeling of celebration, and you get a drip of dopamine released in your brain. That boost of mood might just change your life.
Step 3: Believe your words. That’s it. Your path brought you to leadership for a reason. Someone believed you could do it. Now all you have to do is convince yourself that you can do it and believe in you. Stop sabotaging yourself and get out of your own way. There is nobody that can take away your purpose but you. Believe that one of your greatest days are ahead. Trust your struggle until you understand it. You are the CEO of your own body and your life. You are in charge of your life, your energy, your schedule, your mind, and your power. The thing about getting uncomfortable in the hard things is that it is a reminder that we can handle it. So, do yourself a favor, and believe in you.
Your mind is your biggest business tool. It is once you start to have your own back, be your own cheerleader, lift yourself up, that you are going to lead your life. So start now. Give yourself that pep talk and self select yourself to the finish line and then give yourself a high five for that! Oh….and don’t forget to get up the next day and do it again.
For a free guide on Reframing How You Show Up For Yourself, click here! High five for taking action for you!
Have you joined our private facebook group called Principals and Leadership yet? What are you waiting for! High five to you for joining!
Robbins, Mel. The High Five Habit: It’s Time to Cheer For Yourself. Hay House Inc., 2021.
Even If You Miss..... 