When I used to get asked this question, “How do you do it all?” I would struggle to answer it at first. But then I would muster up some type of an answer that tried to explain how I time manage and prioritize. The truth was, ‘doing it all’ was killing me softly. I white knuckled every day trying to people please and get it all done so that people would marvel at my work and ask me how I ‘do it all.’ It wasn’t until I listened to Amy Porterfield’s podcast and read her book, Two Week’s Notice, where she said that when people ask, “How do you do it all?”, she simply responds, “I don’t.” That caught my attention right away. She went on to say that she has learned the power of her joy and the key to stomping on resentment and frustration was not doing it all, but rather setting boundaries (Porterfield, 2023). Think about the times you felt overwhelmed or resentment. Those times were usually when you said yes to the things that you weren’t sure of or didn’t get you excited. You didn’t put up your boundary, and then you instantly felt overwhelm and resentment that you had to do it at all when you never wanted to do it in the first place. Boundaries are essential for joy and fulfillment. But they can be really hard to set and determine. In fact, this boundary enforcing business can be downright messy and awkward, but once you figure it out after a million falls and practices, it will change your life.
Porterfield states that the first step to establishing a healthy boundary is to know what you want in the first place (Porterfield 2023). She talks about how we often put pressure on ourselves to do it all and then we tend to follow up the things we overcommitted ourselves to with resentment and frustration. Brene Brown also states that resentment is an emotion we experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need. As leaders, we do this all the time. We try to do it all and then we feel resentment, overwhelm, and frustration, all because we didn’t set our boundaries. Resentment is a huge indicator that we didn’t set our boundaries and that we let down ourselves in the process. So we are going to dig into that and look at some areas where perhaps we can start to set boundaries and increase our joy.
When I look back and think about recent events, I can see exactly where I didn’t set boundaries. For example, I said that I would do a presentation on a week night on a topic that the conference decided I should present on. It wasn’t a topic that I was passionate about or felt prepared enough for. Immediately, I felt resentment and overwhelm because I said yes to something that didn’t light me up, made me miss one of my kid’s hockey games, and didn’t set boundaries on what I wanted to present on. It took away my joy of presenting which normally, I loved to do, all because I didn’t set boundaries and did not determine what I really wanted out of it in the first place. I said yes to the wrong thing. On the flip side, sometimes you have to say yes to really hard things and no to the fun things too because you know in the future that setting that boundary is going to pay off. So for me, I had to say no to a girl’s night out a few weeks ago that I really wanted to go to all because I had a huge meeting in the morning that I knew I had to be prepared for. I knew I needed to set my boundaries and that it would pay off in the future. If I hadn’t set the boundary and went out, I would have been tired and resented my decision in the morning. Cue the hangover of emotions and frustration. Boundaries matter! All the results you desire are made possible through setting and enforcing your unique boundaries or needs (Porterfield, 2023).
Here are some questions that Porterfield suggests you ask yourself to help you set better boundaries:
- Where did I say yes when I meant or needed to say no?
- Where can I better, in the future, set a new boundary or enforce an existing one so that this doesn’t happen again?
- Where can I say yes but then also ask for what I need to turn it into a “Hell, yes”?
The thing is life is never a 50/50 balance but rather it is about determine your lanes that fulfill you and help you move forward and sticking to them. If you are saying yes to one thing, you are usually saying no to another thing. That’s just life. It is not about doing whatever you want, but about doing it for the right reasons. If everything you are doing is for someone else and not for what you value the most, then perhaps think about adjusting your boundaries. And you will have those days where you think that nothing went right. But again, set the boundaries of your thinking about whether or not you did all that you could, what might you change, and was it for the right reasons to move you forward and intentional to what you value most?
It’s essential to know the foundation of your boundaries before you actually set them so that you are very clear on what they are, why they are the way they are, and then you can clearly communicate them (Porterfield, 2023). You don’t need to say yes to everything. You sometimes will have to choose the hard yes or the hard no over something easier. Sometimes business will take over fun and vice versa but if you get clear on what you want and your priorities, you will gain clarity on what boundaries you will need to set. But it will take time and be very messy at first. Expect that but keep practicing and your joy will rise.
In leadership, it is filled with decisions and endless requests. If you do not figure out how to set your boundaries and become a boundary boss, you will rob yourself of the joy and fulfillment that leadership can bring. So don’t do it all but rather set your course and change it as you go with what you value you the most at the forefront. In the first bit of my leadership role, I overcommitted due to my anxiety, that if I wasn’t working 24/7, I wasn’t making a difference. I learned the hard way that when you don’t set and keep your boundaries, everything you desire, dream about or want most is at risk.
Porterfield says to set three non-negotiables that you will always stick to no matter what (Porterfield, 2023). These non negotiables will help you set boundaries on things you value most and will help you realize what is a good use of your time. These non-negotiables are what you will and will not allow in your professional and personal life. Pay attention to what you are struggling with and where. They will be your guides and will shine a light on what’s not working for you. So for me, my non-negotiables are my kids come first, working hours are set times, and my phone is not my downtime. Now, for everything I am tasked with, offered or asked to do, I think of whether or not I am passionate about it or if it will take me away from my kids for a large amount of time. For my second non negotiable, of working hours are set times, I set up Tiger time in my work hours (which I learned from Amy Porterfield). This is a block of time where I shut off all distractions and I focus on my top priority and get as much done as I can during my Tiger Time. I set up Tiger time at least 3 times a week within my work schedule or my morning Tiger Time. Tiger Time is uncomfortable and more often requires me to do the work that I don’t necessarily want to do. But…imagine if you stuck to your Tiger Time, the moment and clarity you would have! Imagine how proud of yourself you will be. Porterfield states that when you set Tiger Time, you will start to trust yourself and stress less about heavier workloads because you have that Tiger Time where you know you will get it done (Porterfield, 2023). My work hours are also firm. I do not work after 5 pm because that time is for me and my kids. The third non-negotiable for me, is aaaalllll about my phone. I have times where I literally lock up my phone in my kid’s lock box because my down time is no longer dedicated to scrolling the Insta. Now, I move my body, I hang out with my kids, I read, or I do something that does not involve a really long and windy rabbit hole of reels. These boundaries and non-negotiables have made me more present, more productive, and way more fulfilled because I don’t have that resentment and frustration with myself anymore and my guilt of not answering that email has lessened because I gave myself a rule that I am not going to break.
Setting boundaries is really, really hard, but it will change your life. I promise. It will get rid of the resentment and guilt that you have because you have a plan that you will stick to. It will be messy and you will fail a few times, if not a lot, when trying to set your boundaries and stick to them. Heck, I am still an apprentice cobbling my way through my boundaries and calendar each week. I even put my time in boxes on my calendar to emphasize the boundaries. It is kind of like the Home Edit system, where everything has a home inside of a perfectly decorated box….and it does not go anywhere else! Your time is like that too. It needs to be placed in boxes throughout the day that do not overflow into a different box. When you figure that out, you will become more productive, efficient, fulfilled, and have way more clarity on what matters most.
Porterfield (2023) leaves us with these very powerful questions that I wanted to share with you because they really helped me find clarity on what boundaries I needed to set for myself.
- What new boundary do you need to establish in order to create a life and a profession that lights you up, brings you joy, and fulfills you every day?
- What came up for you in this blog post? Did you realize where you were feeling resentful? Can you create a new boundary around it?
- Can you see where you need to make some hard yeses, or where you have in the past and you’re glad you have?
Here’s to finally coming up with a plan to bring you joy and get stuff done!
Porterfield, A. (2023). Two Weeks Notice. : Hay House Inc.
Porterfield, A. (2023, January 23). How to Set and Enforce Boundaries as an Entrepreneur. Online Marketing Made Easy Podcast.
Speaking of boundaries, here’s a free guide on how to Cultivate Your Culture Using a Three Bucket System! I show you how to organize your culture into three buckets (boundaries) to create a super culture.
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